It seems like everyone is reading Jesus and John Wayne these days.
In fact, rumor has it that even some of the U.S. Presidents have been reading the provocative monograph by American historian Kristin Kobes DuMez. So I decided to find out for myself if this was true—and along the way, perhaps glean some insight into what they thought about it.
It was only natural that I conducted my affairs in order, from the first U.S. President to the last. So I made the four block journey from my house to his regular place on Main St., and as expected, there he was: George Washington himself.
George Washington is Reading Jesus and John Wayne
“By George!” I cried out from the adjacent street.
“What is it young lad?” he replied, turning around, shifting his weight to one leg and resting his hand on his sword.
I walked across the street to meet the First President. “Oh, I was just wondering: What’s that you’re reading?”
“Well, it’s this new monograph by a Dutch lady near the Lakes, what is it…oh yes! Jesus and John Wayne. Quite a title I’d say! Yes, indeed.”
By this time a small crowd had gathered around the President. Everyone could see the book tucked away under his arm above his sword. A bit ironic, I thought.
Of course, the whole situation was ironic. Washington was the “first patriarch” of the country, and his hands weren’t exactly clean of colonialist genocide. Should I ask him what he thinks about it? Should I inquire about his violent role as a “founding father”? And his appropriation of religious language in that role? Was it triggering to unfold some of his internalized sexism and patriarchy in reading the book? So many questions. But from his stare that followed, I got a little nervous and figured it was time to move on.
“Very good, then your Majesty!…Er no, I mean, your greatness…no….President! Yes, goodbye Sir!” I stumbled a bit as I walked away.
John Adams is Reading Jesus and John Wayne
My next stop was John Adams. I found him near the public fountains in a most relaxed mood.
Quite relaxed.
“That can’t be right,” I said to myself. “The governor of this state has challenged the election results regarding recreational marijuana. There’s no way Adams is high as a kite here and now!”
But, then again, I thought to myself, “These earlier revolutionaries aren’t exactly the type to care about such trifles. … Look what they did about a 3% tax on tea leaves! And to think South Dakota prides itself on ‘freedom’ and ‘individual liberty’!”
“Good day to you!” Adams greeted me with a kind smile.
“And good day to you, President Adams. Say, I was wondering, have you ever heard of …”
“Jesus and John Wayne?” he said, finishing my sentence. “A most splendid work! Abigail has been raving about it all week. We already have five more of the new paperbacks on pre-order! Here!” he said. “Take my copy! I wouldn’t leave South Dakota without one!”
“Very good then! What a fine man you are, President Adams. A gift I will always treasure. Good day to you!”
“Good day, indeed!” he said as I rounded the corner to continue my journey.
Thomas Jefferson is Reading Redacting Jesus and John Wayne
The architect of America was busy writing away on what appeared to be an important piece of paper. But, what was it? Was it the U.S. Constitution, or was it …
Yep, Jesus and John Wayne—on top of the Declaration of Independence (apparently demanding more of Thomas Jefferson‘s attention).
“Despite the radical implications of this monograph, I admire some of what DuMez has done here. Nevertheless, it could really use a few emendations. I’m sure she won’t mind if I revise some parts here and there.”
“I see. … So, what do you plan on calling it?” I asked.
“The Jefferson Jesus and John Wayne” he said looking straight into my eyes.
“Oh boy,” I thought to myself. “The Jefferson Bible just wasn’t enough for him.”
He continued, “I’d honestly rather be working on things like this political document here. But religion remains an important matter in public American life, and DuMez is right, in a sense: Why attach so much unreasonable baggage to religion?”
With this interesting twist on the table (literally), I was tempted to ask just what it was he was “emending” in the name of “Reason,” but it was time to move on.
James Madison is Reading Jesus and John Wayne
Next, I made my way to James Madison, the “Father of the Constitution.” Given Jefferson’s preoccupation with Jesus and John Wayne, it didn’t surprise me that Madison also was carrying a copy of the book along with what I imagined were the Federalist Papers.
“Hello chap!” he said as I approached. “Say, I couldn’t help but notice your conversation with Jefferson over there, and I wanted to make sure that you had a clean, unredacted copy of Jesus and John Wayne. I won’t say more at the moment, as I have things to attend.”
He looked a bit nervous, almost like he was having some sort of anxiety attack. So I thanked him, took this (second) copy of the book and continued on.
James Monroe is (Maybe?) Reading Jesus and John Wayne
“Good day Mr. President!” I said to President Monroe.
“Good day young sir,” he said, tipping his hat. “And you are?”
“Well, a photographer for today! How about you?” I inquired.
“A faithful member of the American Colonization Society, of course! Did you hear that I just doubled the size of the American empire in one deal! Madison and his 23 million acre expansion. Bah! What a Sunday afternoon picnic! You know, real manliness isn’t characterized by fear and soft words. Men need to take charge to ensure order, spread the seeds of might and victory, and…”
“Speaking of manliness,” I interjected, “I was wondering what book you have there?”
“This? Oh, it’s nothing. Some cheap paper I picked up off the street corner by the Hay Camp ale house. Some of the other Presidents have been muttering this and that about it, but I’m not sure it’s quite to my liking. Maybe I’ll read it, maybe I won’t.” He leaned closer and lowered his voice. “I’ll give you a hint: It’s written by a woman, so I probably won’t.”
“I see,” I replied. “Well, have a good day!” And that was that.
John Quincy Adams is Reading Jesus and John Wayne
Not far away, I spied John and Abigail Adams’ son, John Quincy.
“Fancy cane you have there, Mr. President,” I observed.
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” He paused his afternoon stroll and gazed my direction. “Although it is a nice gift from some Russian friends. What brings you to main street this afternoon?” he asked.
“Well, you see, many people have been reading this new book called J…”
He interrupted. “Yes, Yes, Jesus and John Wayne, by the history professor from Calvin University.”
“You’re well informed,” I replied.
“As you might know, mother Abigail isn’t exactly fond of, hmm, how should we put it, men ruling over everything?”
“Ah yes, ‘patriarchy.’ Male domination in every sphere of society,” I needlessly mansplained another man’s mansplain.
“Whatever you youngsters want to call it, I’ve obtained at least some sensibilities about its whereabouts and … it’s bad news.” He shifted gears. “I see this kind of thing happening all the time not just in church, but in the state, like my political opponents pulling the gag rule to shut me and my colleagues down in Congress simply for talking about the abolition of slavery!” He was adamant. “If I didn’t know better I’d invoke the First amendment, which I saw passed when I was 24 years old, a young lad not much younger than yourself, by the way. All this male-rule, ‘I’m going to conquer this and that’ nonsense to show greatness. They’re even proposing taking over Texas, and fighting in some kind of, of, Spanish-American War!”
“Good heavens!” I shouted, pretending not to have knowledge about these events that had already happened.
“Good heavens indeed! And here, a historian on our own soil (well, sort of our ‘own’) telling us in plain language part of the cause for all this madness: social constructs about gender, a world of our own making, a religious fervor that isn’t so religious or pious after all, that can and should be undone. I have even heard some members of Congress proposing the gag rule for the printing of Jesus and John Wayne! What is this, Britain under King George III?!”
“By George!” Now I was starting to get a bit nervous and even paranoid, since I’d talked with multiple Presidents about this book and was carrying two copies of it in the public square. Would it soon be contraband? I looked around suspiciously and closed our conversation.
“Thank you for your time Mr. President! I really must be heading out!”
Andrew Jackson is Reading Jesus and John Wayne
I found Andrew Jackson in a rather formal pose on main street, almost like he was in front of a camera. He postured himself rather proudly, perhaps proud of signing the Indian Removal Act (leading to the Trail of Tears), pushing for the annexation of Texas, and criticizing abolition. I could practically smell the toxic masculinity oozing out of his cloak.
But what was actually oozing out of his cloak was … a copy of Jesus and John Wayne! Although it was stashed away, I was truly surprised he even had a copy. But it was clear his mind was on more important things, wherever that paparazzi was, so I marched on without a word.
