James Polk is (Maybe?) Reading Jesus and John Wayne
After delivering my message for Anna at the Holiday Inn and grabbing a shot of Talisker at the bar, I wandered back to get some snacks and coffee at Harriet and Oak. There, I found President James Polk standing next to a barrel of … oak, with you-know-what sitting on top of it.
“This? Oh, someone dropped off a copy of it a few minutes ago. No idea what it’s about—but from the subtitle, it sounds a bit revolutionary, a bit, daresay, manly. I like that. And everyone has been talking about it.”
I really wanted to say, “You’re not going to like it, and I really hope you consider stowing your manliness by not conquering Mexico and owning up to your lifetime of exploiting slaves.” But all that came out was, “Oh! I see. Good day!”
Zachary Taylor Poses for Jesus and John Wayne
I walked across the street to talk to President Zachary Taylor. To my shock, he didn’t seem aware of Jesus and John Wayne, or at least, he wasn’t able to find his copy.
“It was right here, I swear…” he said, scavenging the sidewalk and nearby courtyards. “Wait, there it is! You have it!”
And just like that he snatched one of the copies out of my hands and smiled with glee like Smeagol finding his precious. “I’ve been hearing about this all week, and finally I’ve retrieved a real copy. Here! Quick! Take a picture of me with it. No, wait! Let’s make it manly!’ he said as he rose one knee and put his hand on his sword. (I didn’t even want to think how many innocent people in Mexico he bludgeoned with it.) “Ain’t ‘Ole Rough and Ready’ gonna look any different, ya hear? Nothing but honor I say!”
“Yes of course.” With the subject properly posed, I took the picture.
Not satisfied with one, he asked for another from a different angle with the sky in the background.
“These are in full color, right?”
“Yes” I said, snapping another shot while he was frozen in place.
“So, what do you think of the book?” I finally asked.
“Oh! I couldn’t tell you. I haven’t actually read it yet, but I’m pretty certain with a cover like this—guns on a cross and all—it’s my kind of reading!”
I shook my head and walked away.
Millard Fillmore Reads Jesus and John Wayne
The mood shifted once again as I approached Millard Fillmore, who was propped up on his chair contemplating the contents of Jesus and John Wayne. After a noticeable pause, he re-adjusted in his seat and began to pick up his thoughts where he apparently last left them.
“I just don’t think we can do anything about it. Grant the premise: like slavery and other subjugations, the subordination of the female sex to the male sex is inarguably a social evil, whether or not it finds a warm home in American religious life (though it certainly does, by George!). But in the process, DuMez basically proves my point: keep politics out of it. Let the church do what she may. I just can’t see our intervention as doing anything substantive for female liberation.”
“Hmm,” I mumbled, reflecting his contemplative tone. Fillmore gazed toward the horizon much like Van Buren and continued:
“I’m not much of a churchman. But I have studied jurisprudence long enough to know that the common law would have to be re-written to achieve this grander end that DuMez seems to be pointing towards—not to mention countless laws in municipal, state, and county governments that would have to be scratched off the books or radically changed. Does DuMez really think the people of this country will wake up one day and allow women to wear trousers! Or that churchmen will just look at their lifetimes of sexual exploitations and say, ‘Oh you’re right, we give”?
“I guess I don’t know,” I said.
He looked at me seriously, sighed deeply, and folded up the book and set it next to him on the chair. “I wish her well. I really do. These are important matters, and clergyman will have one hell of a time wrestling with it. But as a statesman, it’s simply none of my concern.”
Franklin Pierce Rages With Jesus and John Wayne
Franklin Pierce was not at all in a good mood. Much less fully awake.
He was raging drunk, clearly depressed, and by the time I found him, cursing at random passersby on the street. At one point he shouted racial slurs at a Native American before finally settling down into a blank stare while standing in the middle of the sidewalk.
But for one reason or another, he was holding a copy of Jesus and John Wayne next to his sword. Whatever he may have been reading, he didn’t seem happy about it.
James Buchanan Hides Jesus and John Wayne
Moments later I found James Buchanan curiously standing on a street corner, quiet as a mouse. As I approached him, he stared directly at me with a deep and somewhat disturbing sense of curiosity.
I could not see any copy of the book near him, and concluded that he simply wasn’t interested in matters of gender and gender wars. However, I did notice that he had both hands behind his back.
“What?” he said, as if I realized he was hiding something. “What are you looking at?”
“Oh, nothing,” I replied. Someone else came by and began talking to him, so I pretended to walk away. But I walked around him instead to see just what he was holding behind his back.
Sure enough, like clockwork, another President was holding a copy of Jesus and John Wayne. One can only guess the myriad of reasons why it was (apparently) too shameful for a President to be honest about possessing.
Abraham Lincoln Reads Jesus and John Wayne
When I came to Abraham Lincoln, I found a U.S. President in a very different mood than the last two. He was playing some kind of game with a boy next to where he was sitting. A copy of Jesus and John Wayne hung open on the arm of his chair like he had just been reading it. I had many questions to ask, but I didn’t want to interrupt them.
Andrew Johnson Reads Jesus and John Wayne
Andrew Johnson was close by and carrying a copy of Jesus and John Wayne.
“Mr. President, good day to you!”
“Good day, sir” he said calmly.
“Say, I noticed you were reading this book …”
“Yes, I am, I sometimes read a book or two.”
From his cool and somewhat closed reply, I could tell he didn’t want to be asked about it. So I just nodded awkwardly. He turned to walk away but then turned back with a slight smirk and said in a strong voice:
“But I will tell you this, young lad. If I was President of Calvin University, I would have fired DuMez a long time ago—along with anyone else who can’t seem to understand how the world works and a woman’s place in it. I trust you understand these simple truths.”
“Yes, yes of course, Mr. President” I answered, a bit shocked. And that was that.