It’s been a long time since I’ve seriously reflected on gender – a subject that absorbed my life for about a decade in graduate school and early career. But as I continue to learn, try to improve myself with my partner, develop in other relationships (or fail to develop), read more on the subject, engage in various therapies, and bear the privilege and weight of the deep past that is now accessible for deeper kind of reflection, three things about “the man problem” are starting to emerge. (None of them are original. In fact, they’re horribly unoriginal and better reflected about virtually anywhere else and by anyone else. But I’ll write about it anyway…)
(This is where Jamin the academic and musician pretends to be a therapist with something helpful to say.)
I say “the man problem” because for millennia it was always “the woman problem.” Literally, those are the kinds of chapter titles in books I used to read as a teenager on this subject. “Society” (men, about half the population) just don’t know what to do with these pesky women that want respect and freedom, and want to do such rude and inappropriate things like read books and attend school. Like British and Eurocentric history, the victor and the powerful have a way of framing things to their advantage and covering up the most obvious things that are staring us in the face: patriarchy. I’m thinking particularly of wildly frequent male violence and concentrated power in virtually all spheres of society, and across time. Less than a half century ago, in a relatively social progressive country, women were still fighting just to have financial access to capital/credit, and shortly before that, for the right to attend college with the rest of society. It’s a kind of needless segregation or apartheid that obviously only benefits one group at the expense of another.
The vast increases in social freedom for women – whether in other spaces like no-fault divorce, abortion access, or just wearing “trousers in public,” etc. – has caused chaos in a world that is not used to it. The conservative response is to (a) label the chaos as stemming from something evil instead of good and (b) somehow put the genie back in the bottle, put the subordinate wife back in the woman, and the woman back in the kitchen. Because now the elephant in the room is showing itself: men’s problems (as a group). They are now the subject of analysis and critique, not women. That pisses men off (just like when conservative evangelicals became the object of sociological study in the past quarter century: they shouldn’t have to be humiliated like this; their group simply is “normal Christianity”; its eternal and permanent, not a product of history.) And, with so much more freedom and options, women aren’t forced to be in marriages with men anymore, whether for housing, survival, or otherwise. There’s tons of new work opportunities as well. Hence, fertility rates are declining, “traditional nuclear families” are far less common, and for possibly the first time in history, millions of men are feeling obsolete because their role of wielding power and controlling access to resources is being jeopardized. Kind of like decolonization and independence movements and slave revolts: this massive apparatus, industry, system, and code of conduct are being thrown out, and the guards are standing around in their uniforms, rifle in hand, not sure why they’re there any more.
Just who are they now?
That’s the “crisis of masculinity” in a nutshell: men are finding it difficult to evolve fast enough in a world that no longer values or tolerates patriarchal masculinity like it used to; masculinity can no longer be embodied by socially-tolerable forms of violence and control, because such masculinity is no longer socially-tolerable (thankfully). This means men are having to relate to women and others in society in a way that requires more of them. They can’t just stalk, sexually harass and touch women at work with impunity anymore. The threat of divorce to an “insubordinate wife” no longer has the socio-economic power it used to (though the threat of physical violence is still there.) Men can’t expect women to just look past their significant incapacities (see below), particularly their ability to relate to women as fellow humans instead of subjects. They are forced to learn less familiar ways of relating to humans, and must accept that that they can no longer expect themselves to simply be put in charge, expected to have dominant positions in work and family, etc.
In short, an extremely low bar was raised; most people are still unaware of how misogynistic discourses penetrate each sphere of life (e.g., promiscuous men are “studs,” still a positive connotation, while promiscuous women are “whores” or “sluts,” still a negative denotation, etc.). But it was still a shocking social and psychological jolt. Just like when Black people in America started owning their own businesses and land; for white people, the sky was falling.
“Equality to the privileged feels like oppression.”
The externals are finally pointing towards the internal origins of this problem, and that’s what I’d like to explore now. Because patriarchy creates a certain kind of man (“men are created, not born”), and when society moves on, it takes a while before individuals are changed from the inside out.
So I want to briefly highlight three problems with men (most men today in western society…I am obviously generalizing) that I’ve observed in myself, and others around me.
1. Emotional Unintelligence: Men aren’t aware of when they’re having feelings.
This is the most difficult and frustrating one. I think the quintessential popular example of this are those scenes in films or those situations in real-life when a person is super angry, raising their voice and when it has become finally evident that they’re angry, they say “I’m NOT ANGRY!”
That’s emotional unawareness. Your voice, body, heart rate, is all changed within an emotional response and you’re not even aware of it.
It can take a minute…or day…or year…or lifetime to realize what we’re feeling or felt in a past situation. I’ve been in that scenario and others a million times, and not just with anger, but countless other feelings: jealousy, desire, frustration, anxiety, anticipation, regret, sorrow, uncertainty, and probably above all, hurt. Sometimes it will take a day or two before realizing what exactly it was that I felt. In some cases, it’s taken me years to realize what I had felt.
Being aware of hurt is probably the hardest because, for most people, this breaks our normal sense of self and we realize that we’re vulnerable and capable of being hurt. Or, it makes us aware that we care about something that we didn’t realize we cared for. And that realization can be scary. “Wow, that really meant something to me, and I don’t know why…” “This person’s relationship meant more than I thought…” “I was alot more scared that I cared to admit…”
That’s a key part of “emotional intelligence”: being able to identify what’s going on inside (and ideally, without freaking out about it in the process).
This isn’t necessarily a “man” problem. But from my experience, understanding, and research, men tend to not be aware of what they’re feeling as much as women. (And that’s for various reasons we don’t have time to discuss). It’s a kind of disconnect between mental faculties, or neural circuits, or whatever. Regardless, the result of this disconnect is…being disconnected.
Without being aware of what we’re feeling, we cant’ be aware of what others’ are feeling, so we end up walking blind and dumb in the world, bumping around not knowing what we’re even experiencing internally. And not only does this detract from ourselves as persons, but it causes pain for others. It’s like a Skipper in the cabin of a modern ship who isn’t looking at any of the meters and lights and signals – and barely even knows that they’re there. And even when they glance down to see lights flashing or instruments moving, they sort of ignore it, suppress it, and “press on” to pretend nothing is happening. (I think this is what many women mean when they say “men are dumb.”)
2. Expressive Incapacitation: Men can’t express what they feel even when they’re aware that they’re feeling it.
Even if the Skipper looks at the sensors on the dashboard, he doesn’t know what to do, say, or respond. He may even panic, and thus take on other emotions (perhaps unwanted) that complicate matters as he navigates the seas.
This is a notorious problem. “Why didn’t you tell me you felt this way?” is one of the most common phrases used when dating starts to get serious or relationships continue without proper communication. This is different than saying “men tend to be emotionally reserved.” Men are not emotionally reserved or “less emotional,” as witnessed every time their team scores a touchdown during the Superbowl, or some dude gets into a barfight with his x’s girlfriend. The consistency and range of emotional expression is what is limited and less verbalized, which creates this false stereotype that men “aren’t emotional.” Just browse Twitter posts by dudes and tell me they aren’t emotional. It’s a laughable proposition.
The hardest I’ve ever cried in my life was when I took our dog Annie to the vet and I wasn’t sure if I’d see her alive in the morning. I stood there in the lobby and before she walked back on the leash to the vet, she turned around and looked at me…and it was like someone pushed a button inside of me I never knew I had. I completely fell apart, right then and there.
I’ve heard many women say “we need that expression,” perhaps for the hope that there are some men who are human and feel things instead of being masochistic, aggressive sociopathic (non-feeling) predators.
Men expressing weakness and vulnerability is generally looked down upon in society. “Strong men don’t cry,” and other nonsense. (My older brothers reinforced this toxicity as a child, praising me for not crying when accidentally slamming the car door on my finger and what not). Expressing anger is the most acceptable form of masculine expression – so much that when some men express other emotions, it’s an event, something notable. (Note that the reverse is true for women: they are allowed to express virtually every emotion except anger; hence the “angry woman” or “angry feminist” tropes, etc.). This limited expression can give the social impression that men are violent or angry people, when in fact they are experiencing so much more internally, but it all gets funneled into the socially-accepted (or “Traditional”) norms. And that becomes a kind of self-fulling prophecy, especially as parents treat their kids with those expectations (that “girls are emotional” and boys aren’t, etc.).
At it’s worse, such gender roles and expectations reinforce masculine violence. As bell hooks recalls:
When Dad was at work, our stay-athome mom was quite content to see us playing marbles together. Yet Dad, looking at our play from a patriarchal perspective, was disturbed by what he saw. His daughter, aggressive and competitive, was a better player than his son. His son was passive; the boy did not really seem to care who won and was willing to give over marbles on demand. Dad decided that this play had to end, that both my brother and I needed to learn a lesson about appropriate gender roles.
One evening my brother was given permission by Dad to bring out the tin of marbles. I announced my desire to play and was told by my brother that “girls did not play with marbles,” that it was a boy’s game. This made no sense to my four- or five-year-old mind, and I insisted on my right to play by picking up marbles and shooting them. Dad intervened to tell me to stop. I did not listen. His voice grew louder and louder. Then suddenly he snatched me up, broke a board from our screen door, and began to beat me with it, telling me, “You’re just a little girl. When I tell you to do something, I mean for you to do it.” He beat me and he beat me, wanting me to acknowledge that I understood what I had done. His rage, his violence captured everyone’s attention. Our family sat spellbound, rapt before the pornography of patriarchal violence. After this beating I was banished—forced to stay alone in the dark. Mama came into the bedroom to soothe the pain, telling me in her soft southern voice, “I tried to warn you. You need to accept that you are just a little girl and girls can’t do what boys do.” In service to patriarchy her task was to reinforce that Dad had done the right thing by, putting me in my place, by restoring the natural social order.
I remember this traumatic event so well because it was a story told again and again within our family. No one cared that the constant retelling might trigger post-traumatic stress; the retelling was necessary to reinforce both the message and the remembered state of absolute powerlessness. The recollection of this brutal whipping of a little-girl daughter by a big strong man, served as more than just a reminder to me of my gendered place, it was a reminder to everyone watching/remembering, to all my siblings, male and female, and to our grownwoman mother that our patriarchal father was the ruler in our household. We were to remember that if we did not obey his rules, we would be punished, punished even unto death. This is the way we were experientially schooled in the art of patriarchy. (The Will to Change)
Patriarchy paralyzes us (all of us) as humans, and is harmful to men by disconnecting them from certain parts of themselves. (Violence requires this; you can’t simply pull the trigger with someone in the scope if you haven’t mentally dehumanized them in some way, and suppressed your own natural empathy). In other words, the results of this Second Problem are also as harmful as failing to see the dashboard in the ship’s cabin: (a) you become difficult to read for people who want to understand you, because you’re not expressing how you feel; (b) others around you feel disconnected because they have to guess what you’re experiencing, making relational and emotional intimacy extremely hard; (c) (b) leads to (c): social isolation and loneliness, which is plague for most men, regardless of how many friends they have.
When men do start to learn how to express emotions, such as simply saying things like “I feel anxious right now,” or “I was hurt by what you said,” the conversation that follows can be extremely difficult because, for many men, that entire experience of putting out your feelings is a huge, overwhelming experience, and it’s not clear how to discuss or navigate that conversation – especially since opening up has the possibility of being hurt (in a new way) or misunderstood. In worst case scenarios, men express their experiences in inappropriate or harmful or manipulative ways for one reason or another, which comes back to haunt them and forces them back into the hole from whence they came.
There is also the dimension that emotions do not necessarily correspond to a truth or reality, or even rightness or wrongness. Some indicators on the ship may not be indicating anything of significance. They can simply be noted. But, how do you know if you only keep it to yourself and don’t tell the Captain or other crew members? Sometimes they do correspond to a problem, and it’s not always clear when that’s the case.
Again, often enough, the point is the expression itself and being heard or listening to others, simply to be aware of others and share sentience. Regular updates and communication, properly communicated, provide the basis for good relational dynamics. Maybe it will prevent you from hitting an iceberg. In the meantime, expressing emotions in a stable, fair, and honest manner provides some degree of comfort and trust amongst those onboard.
Practice, patience and transparency are key values, I think, that have to guide this process of learning how to express the internalized world. (Though what do I know, I’m terrible at all of this.)
3. Discursive Incapacitation: Men can’t handle the expression of others’ emotions even when they’re expressed.
Even if emotions are felt, understood, and properly expressed, they often overwhelm men. They certainly overwhelm me sometimes, probably because I was conditioned not to really hear or address any emotions (again, other than perhaps anger). My Dad was raised to work hard, not have emotional intelligence and build healthy relationships. His purview of discourse is quite small (e.g., weather, life circumstances and challenges, money, politics, fishing). Most emotional expression was framed as “complaining.” (My mom praises her mom for “never complaining”; but, in some situations, the ability to suppress hurt and misery or whatever, is a weakness, not a strength.) For most of my life, I had never had a conversation about a person’s internal experiences for longer than maybe 5 minutes. Longer than that, and I would get really anxious, because I wasn’t sure what to do or assumed that this meant there was a serious problem, and just wasn’t sure how to engage in that kind of discourse, or be there for someone. Today, I can do several hours if needed without any real problem. (Of course, being together with someone like Jessica (a psychotherapist) helps immensely, and she’s also the kind of person to dig deep, patiently, and be willing to take risks for the sake of intimacy and authentic connection; I would not be writing this essay without that personal formation/transformation.)
But there are times, situations, subjects, and experiences that are still hard. Even after doing therapy about some childhood or teenage experiences, I’m still not sure how to think about them or how to interpret my emotional responses to them. I’m guessing it will always be this way, at least for some things. And there, we may simply need to learn to rely on others instead of idolizing independence and the isolating pioneer way of life. There seems to be a fine balance between being too independent and being too dependent. (For me, I’m not dependent enough.)
What Now?
How can men catch up to women’s general mental and emotional development in the 21st century? How can they be social creatures that don’t habitually threaten others by their generational patriarchal habits, but instead provide skillful support and engage in the brave and risky acts of opening up to others that requires its own kind of strength that has yet to be valued in society and in male/masculine communities?
- Empathetic conversation. Listening and verbalizing what you’re hearing and understanding is perhaps the best place to start. And by listening: it means listening not to respond with your opinions, but to enter entirely into another person’s experience and meet them there, without any regard for the thoughts you may want to share. With enough practice, I think this can facilitate addressing the First Problem and facilitate self-awareness.
- Download the How We Feel app and do daily updates with a partner or friend. It’s super easy and starts to build emotional intelligence from the ground up as well.
- Try going to therapy and verbalizing experiences just for their own sake, not to “get fixed.” Even if its just a few sessions. This is particularly important if you’ve never shared things in a controlled environment with someone like this before. (I used to think the question “how do you feel?” was boring and dumb until I realized that its purpose was the address the very real Problem 1 on a very basic level.)
- Journal privately with no intention of sharing with others, but focus on what moved you internally, and then try to explain why.
- Watch a few seasons of Love is Blind. Make predictions while they’re in the pods, and think about why or how things turned out the way they did. Notice how men manipulate or use women and consider whether you’ve done or do the same. Verbalize, actually talk to someone, about why you think a successful relationship in the Reunion was successful.
- Watch videos on TicTok or Instagram reels of women providing commentary about their negative experiences of men. Not merely to analyze, but to feel what the speaker is feeling in addition to learning new information.
- Make a commitment so that the next time someone hurts you, you actually tell them “This hurt me,” even if it feels stupid and its your mom, child, or the local baker. Then, after this hurdle, build on that accomplishment and commit to sharing a least one emotion a day to another person, even if it’s as simply as “I’m feeling anxious right now” or “I’m happy.” (Responding “Good” when someone asks how you’re doing doesn’t count.)
- Read Elaine Storkey’s Scars Against Humanity and watch Promising Young Woman so you can take the massive plague of male violence seriously and really understand the kind of legitimate suspicion and expectations women have towards men, and how you’re no better than anyone else and either reinforce this world by your actions, or disempower it. Also read The Will to Change by bell hooks.
- Eliminate objectifying discourse from your conversations, especially with men. Refuse to talk about women’s bodies (whether positively or negatively), for example, much less make demeaning jokes about any woman in your life or in theory.
This kind of effort stands in stark contrast to the radical anti-empathy movement of contemporary misogyny, whether promoted by Matt Walsh, Jordan Peterson, or Allie Beth Stuckey (author of Toxic Empathy). I guess you can decide what kind of course you want to take, or life you want to live. But if reducing aggregate suffering is a key goal (and it is for ethics), I think the path of compassion, emotional intelligence, and gender liberation and equality has more merit than that of traditional hatreds, stupidities, and oppression.
Twelve Traits of Healthy/Unhealthy Masculine Emotional Intelligence (ChatGPT 4)
| Traits/Behaviors | Healthy Masculine Emotional Intelligence | Unhealthy/Harmful Masculine Emotional Intelligence |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Emotional Expression | Openly expresses emotions in appropriate ways (e.g., talks to a friend about feeling stressed or anxious) | Represses emotions or expresses them through anger or aggression (e.g., bottles up stress and later yells at a loved one for a minor issue) |
| 2. Vulnerability | Sees vulnerability as a strength and a path to connection (e.g., admits to a partner that he’s scared about losing a job) | Sees vulnerability as weakness and avoids it (e.g., pretends everything is fine and refuses to talk about fears) |
| 3. Communication | Actively listens and communicates openly and respectfully (e.g., discusses disagreements calmly with a coworker to find a solution) | Dominates conversations or avoids communication entirely (e.g., interrupts others and shuts down differing opinions) |
| 4. Conflict Resolution | Approaches conflict with a focus on resolution and mutual respect (e.g., negotiates a solution during an argument with a friend, compromising) | Uses conflict to assert dominance or avoids addressing problems (e.g., gets into a shouting match or walks away angrily, refusing to resolve) |
| 5. Empathy | Demonstrates empathy and understanding toward others’ feelings (e.g., listens to a partner’s feelings about a tough day without judgment) | Dismisses or invalidates others’ feelings (e.g., tells a partner they are “overreacting” or being “too emotional”) |
| 6. Accountability | Takes responsibility for actions and learns from mistakes (e.g., apologizes for being late to a meeting and adjusts future behavior) | Blames others or refuses to acknowledge mistakes (e.g., makes excuses for being late and blames traffic or others) |
| 7. Relationship with Power | Uses power to support and uplift others (e.g., uses leadership position to mentor and uplift younger colleagues) | Seeks to control or dominate others (e.g., micro-manages team members and takes credit for their work) |
| 8. Emotional Regulation | Regulates emotions in a balanced way, responding thoughtfully (e.g., takes a deep breath and calmly addresses frustration after a bad day) | Experiences emotional outbursts or suppresses emotions until explosive (e.g., punches a wall or storms out of the room after a tough day) |
| 9. Assertiveness | Communicates needs clearly and respectfully without aggression (e.g., politely but firmly tells a friend that a comment was hurtful) | Uses aggression or passive-aggressiveness to get needs met (e.g., sarcastically retaliates or ignores the hurt, building silent resentment) |
| 10. Gender Equality | Sees women and people of other genders as equals (e.g., supports a female colleague’s promotion and challenges sexist jokes) | Holds sexist or patriarchal views about gender roles (e.g., laughs at or participates in sexist jokes in the workplace) |
| 11. Self-Confidence | Demonstrates confidence without needing to prove superiority (e.g., expresses pride in a project without needing external validation) | Needs to assert superiority to feel validated (e.g., constantly seeks praise and approval, feeling insecure without it) |
| 12. Compassion | Acts with compassion and care for others’ well-being (e.g., volunteers to help a neighbor struggling with an illness) | Lacks concern for others’ well-being, focuses only on self-interest (e.g., ignores others’ needs, assuming they should handle their problems alone) |